I've been hiding a lime-sized hole in the back of my head for 30 years. It's a story I've kept buried, a secret I've guarded closely. But now, I'm ready to share it, to let it out and face the trauma that has haunted me for so long.
It all started with a simple visit to an acupuncturist. As Jade, the acupuncturist, worked on my shoulder blades, she mentioned something about old trauma. I was intrigued, but I didn't ask for details.
I had always been curious about the source of my chronic neck pain. At 38, a neurologist revealed the shocking truth: I had degenerative disc disease in my cervical spine, a condition that seemed to defy explanation. As a suburban mom and college professor, what could I have done to cause this? The answer was elusive.
But then, I brought up a different topic with Jade. I told her about a malignant tumor that had been removed from the base of my skull during my college years. It was a revelation for Jade, who had no idea about this part of my history.
I explained how the surgeon had removed a chunk of my scalp, and it wasn't until a decade later that I discovered he had also taken part of my occipital bone. Jade listened intently, and I asked her a crucial question: Could my decades-old surgery be the reason for my chronic neck pain?
Jade examined me closely, running her finger along the sides of my head. She asked to see the scar, and I felt a rush of emotions. I had never thought about the impact of this surgery on my body and mind. Jade gently parted my hair, revealing the lime-sized hole, and traced the suboccipital muscles with her thumbs.
In that moment, I realized the depth of my trauma. I had been holding onto that broken girl inside me for too long. As a mother of four, I saw pieces of her in my children, who were navigating their own challenges of adulthood. I thought back to my 19-year-old self and how she had managed a cancer diagnosis.
Jade's words resonated with me: 'It isn't until we uncover old trauma and treat it that we can truly heal.' Her words triggered thoughts about the unseen scars inside me, the emotional trauma that had shaped my life. I wondered if others could also be unaware of the impact of past traumas.
According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some form of trauma. Trauma is more common than we realize. While some forget traumatic experiences, others work to understand their impact. But does understanding lead to true healing?
Lauren Roxburgh, an international body alignment expert, says, 'Your body expresses what your mind suppresses.' Repressed memories may not be accessible, but they can resurface, triggered by specific cues. I realized I had been holding onto my pain for too long, and it was time to reconnect with that broken girl inside me.
I started reflecting on my trauma, writing, and having honest conversations. It helped me understand that my physical wounds had healed, but the emotional scars remained. I had to accept every scar and allow myself to be seen, to truly heal.
Since that moment with Jade, I've made progress. I submitted a survivor profile to a melanoma community on Instagram, including a photo of the scar on my head. It was a brave step, and I received support and connection from others who understood my journey.
Healing isn't about erasing the past; it's about embracing all parts of ourselves. I'm learning to bring my whole self forward, and it feels possible for the first time in a long time. I'm sharing my story to inspire others to confront their trauma and find healing.
